The wood floor was cold, but it was my refuge. I couldn’t stand under my grief anymore. Tears fell from my cheeks as I sobbed. I remember being amazed as puddles from my tears fell on the floor and how they soaked into the cracks. My biggest heart’s desire was to have children. It was just after Thanksgiving. Why would God give me hope in being pregnant to be taken away with a miscarriage? At Christmas? When hopes and dreams are supposed to come true? I wouldn’t have written it this way. Where was my happy ending? My Hallmark movie? My plan was to tell my family on Christmas morning. It wasn’t meant to be. I called a friend who had been down this road before and said, “All I wanted for Christmas was to be a mom. Why can’t I have that?”
Our journey to having children has been 12 years long. Many times, I have cried. I have often taken a pregnancy test with my hopes up, but then it wasn’t meant to be. I felt like a failure. Broken. Disappointed. Each time God has met me in different ways in my grief.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18
In this instance, God met me by using my friends and family. Those that loved me. I didn’t talk a ton about it, but I shared my grief with those close to me. They let me cry. They let me be angry. They let me hurt. It was a safe place to wrestle out the things that I was so afraid to wrestle with God. I have loved God my whole life, it seems. I chose to follow Jesus at 6 years old. I tried to be a good person, and yet, here I sat with unanswered prayers. It hurt.
What I didn’t realize was that God was orchestrating a series of movements that would get me to say “yes” to three beautiful kiddos in foster care. This all happened just a few months after our miscarriage.
We have three children under the age of three (yes, you read that right). Within just a couple of months, we went from zero kids to three kids. One of those I was able to be with from the time she was in the NICU. She will be 20 months old here shortly. God has taught me so much with these three. New lessons in surrender, lessons in waiting, His deep love for the kids in my home, and His deep love for me.
It might seem like it’s easy for me to say, “look at what God did, and how all is well!” after 450-ish words. What you have to remember in this is that this has been years in the making. Years of us saying “yes” to wanting children, to getting licensed for foster care years ago with no kids, to re-licensing again, to letting our license lapse, to giving up completely, to hopes being raised, to hopes crashing down, deep grief and loss, for us to then have three kiddos in our home.
We have been singing at church recently a song called “Take Courage” by Bethel Music.
“Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul. He’s in the waiting. He’s in the waiting. Hold onto your hope, as your triumph unfolds, He’s never failing. He’s never failing.”
If you are in a season of waiting right now, or a season of grief, can I share with you that God will meet you there? He is with us in suffering. He is with us as we cry, and He is with us in the wrestling. He is with you in the loss. Lean on Him. Lean on your friends. Reach out for help if you need it.
Have you seen God meet you recently, or how can I pray for you in your waiting?